My morning didn't went right though we already made up.. I just had the worst attack of LBM..not now please!.. How am I supposed to concentrate if all I could think of at that moment was how am I going to control my stomach.. Good thing Yuchengco was a lot of help.. Thanks to its super private washrooms, I was able to deliver it successfully..hehe.. Moving on to the good news.... I passed my comprehensive examination! Im still a genius after all! That says it all!
I only had 3 hours of sleep..(too bad I would not be growing anymore).. And I'm not yet done with my lecture notes..Anyway.. it seems like an answered prayer when a certain "Cecil" called me up and informed me that our comprehensive exam would be move tomorrow.. At first I thought it was just one of my hs tropa who gave me a prank joke.. Her voice sounds like a 7 year old kid and I really can't believe that she's from the MFI Dept.. Anyway, I just believed her when she said some other imporatant details.. Moving on, my classmate in Accom2b texted me my grade..and to my dismay.I only got a 3.0! I have a feeling that big momma didn't adjust my grade..because if he did I should be getting a 3.5 considering the fact that I was one of the highest in our final exams..(ehem..hehe)..
I have the whole day to prepare for tomorrow but unfortunately.. Im still not in the mood.. well.. I guess I have to wish myself a lot of luck for tomorrow..
I really feel that the whole world is on my shoulders right now.. I couldn't stand the pain.. Someone just made my day and worst I will have my comprehensive exam tomorrow!.. How am I supposed to study if all I could think of right now are the memories that we've shared.. Just when I needed someone to inspire me.. He is such a great help!.. I tried to focus on my mind on what I am reading but I really can't.. It's really hard especially when all I hear on the radio are the songs that bound us together.. The sight of our telephone even made my depression worst.. Talking about timing.. Guess, I wouldn't get a good night sleep tonight.. I just hope we share the same sentiments.. (hehe)..
Today is the last day of our summer class, our final exam day to be exact. At last I would not be seeing my male professor who is 12 months pregnant (ehem).. He reminds me of Big Momma of Big momma's House the movie..and also of a big dark fat gay from our accounting batch who is the author of the word "basically" and who has a "glow in the dark" hair..(to those who know him..I'm sure we share the same sentiments..hehe..)back to "big momma" I don't have to laugh at his jokes that doesn't sound like a real joke..During our class we have to pretend that we are enjoying his comical acts or else he would not give us plus points..(what a nice motivation!) but at times it seems that I'm not in the mood to "act" that sometimes he make side comments that some in his class would not be getting additional points..(ouch!)..On the contrary, he really knows how to teach..so maybe he should teach Accom2b to pre-school pupils next term..(hehe)..Going back, our final exam seems to be a compilation of our quizzes..(way to go!) Almost all the questions were recycled..It seems that the department can no longer think of "challenging questions".. Good for us for we have already memorized the answers.. just like what my classmates said after the quiz, "no need for solutions!" ..so.."basically" I'm just waiting for my course card that is to be released this Wednesday..I hope "big momma" would be enlightened that as he writes my grade..he would just say.."ah my friend, melai..she deserves a 4.0".. sure thing..he has a lot of "friends" in the class..(ehem)..
I really had a hard time convinvcing myself to wake up for it was really cold and the rain is pouring too hard.. Anyway..I still have to go to school despite the "you-should-be-going-back-to-sleep" weather or else I would not have my allowance.. When I arrived in school I found out that someone would be having a demo teaching in our class..Does this "future" professor really know what he's getting at, nice choice of class huh!..Anyway when he arrived, I couldn't help but stare at him..The first thing that I noticed is his cute dimples..It looks like the dimples of Aga Muhlach..(the one on his butt) ..hehe.. By the way he has a nice name.. its Troy.. and he looks like a pre-historic version of Troy Montero..Anyway, when he started his demo teaching..all you can hear from him is "20 minutes lang kasi iyong ibinigay sa akin kaya hindi ko maeexplain ng mabuti"..in the back of mind I really want to tell him "di wag ka ng magturo..hindi ka papasa sa La Salle!" Aside from that he is too assuming that all in the class understood his language..not knowing that one of my classmates cannot understand Filipino..He also thinks that we all know the lessons that he is teaching.. Sure thing..we could all replace him in front.. I can't help but give him a just-sit-here-and-I'll-be-the-one-to-teach look..At last..his 20 minutes time limit was over..and for us..it sure was a relief.. For me..his just another "MC" in the making..(clue:a gay Encantadia and Jewel in the Palace fanatic who almost gave me a you-didn't-do-anything grade! Another clue..he has the same name with a former player of La Salle basketball team..)..Hopefully the department would not accept him or else..the future of the class that he would be handling would end here..(hehe..)
Why do I always end up saying the wrong words at the wrong time? I don't know what went into me that I asked him such a stupid question last night that ruin our supposed to be "romantic moment"...(way to go girl!).. I admit that was quite below the belt.. I was really affected with my tactlessness that I didn't get a good night sleep last night.. I tossed and turned in my bed every now and then thinking what should I do to make it up to him..until I had finally come up with a brilliant idea (or maybe not after all!)I was supposed to surprise him with a call this morning..and sing a song to him to appease his mood (talking about being romantic..ehemm..)..but it turned out that I was the one who was surprised.. I found out that he left his house quite early and without him informing me where he went..(nice one!)..until now he hasn't replied to any of my text messages and worst he is not answering my call!.. and due to my insomnia attack I got sick this morning..I was really hot when I woke up..(in other words 'lovenat')..I should be going home right now so that I could already rest but..I don't want to.. Im such a hard headed deity!(no violent reaction please!)
It's hard to let go of somebody that has made a drastic change in your life and most of all, if that person has been the center of your life for a long time already..but at times you have to make a decision..especially if its for your own good.. Though you lost this person..there might be someone better who would replaced him/her in your life..after all everything in life has a tradeoff..you lost something..you gain something in return..you just have to play your cards well..
Did I play my cards well this time around? Many said yes..but why is it that I still feel empty inside?.. Something's lacking..but I feel it would be coming.. soon...
Sleep..eat..then back to sleeping again and then eat..then go online..that's all I did this day..Though those were the only things I did I really felt tired..I felt weary with my life..All of a sudden I felt the urge to change a particular aspect of my life..I just want to bring myself back to its "normal" state again..With that thought in mind..I decided to send a message to somebody that caused this weariness and end something that should have already stopped ages ago..One thing that I realized during those dull times..I may be insane but definitely not stupid..
A smile was immediately plastered on my face upon reading his messages on my phone.. though they are just forwarded quotes..it brought me a very nice feeling knowing that he still remembers me..what a nice way to start my day..
As I arrived in school, I immediately got the result of my exam..I got a nice grade considering the fact that I didn't prepare for that exam and I was 30 minutes late during the test!..
By afternoon, the sun was shining with its "tremendous" heat that my nose bled..I don't know what came over me that I decided to text him and inform him about my "sickness". To my surprise he replied and asked me what happened..After telling him about it I didn't get any reply from him already..Well at least I still felt that he is still concerned with me..
Later on he texted me again and out of nowhere he asked something regarding my past.. I just answered him with all honesty..I got really depressed when he replied and accused me "two-timer ka pala".. I tried redeeming myself by giving him proofs that I am not like that but he won't listen to me..Knowing that this was already a hopeless case I decided to pour the angst that I was feeling over the food on our table.. No doubt..I am getting fat!
This night..I was informed of the "crime" that my best friend did..I am really affected with her situation and now I keep on asking myself whether "birds of the same feather really flock together" If that's the case..well he got himself a justification for his accusations..
It was such a tiring day..From the tests that I finished quite early to the endless thoughts that I have in mind before I go to sleep..I could not help but think what is going on in his life right now..Im wondering if he still thinks of me and the likes..I have not received any text message from him the entire day..that made me feel terrible..surely..I was missing him badly..My mind says I have to move on..but I can't make myself do it..I don't know when, where and how should I start.. Everytime I hear his favorite songs in the radio..I could not help but sing them..It seems like a torture to me..but I can't do and I don't wanna do anything about this pain that I'm feeling right now..
All my hope vanished when I received a quote from him this night that talks about how an angel and a demon could not fit into each other lives..It seemed as a hint for me.. I reacted to that by asking him whether he is avoiding me..for he had not texted me the whole day..when I received his text meassage, tears started to cloud my eyes..and there he told me that he has already came up with a decision..he wanted us to stop communicating.. he further explained that it would be beneficial for both of us since it would serve as a way for us not to hurt each other anymore.. he wanted me to stop hoping and to just have me belive that he doesn't love me anymore.. I tried explaining to him that it would just hurt me more..but he was already deaf with my reaction..he no longer wanted to hear me out.. I was so devastated that I locked up myself in the room and I refused to eat.. I couldn't find my apetite..all I know is that I'm gonna miss him..I was supposed to study for I have a test tomorrow but I keep hearing his voice inside my head,I could not concentrate with what I am doing..All I know is I'm hearing him say my name..the tone is so natural yet so appealing..I know no one could ever say my name the way that he does.. I could also hear him playing his guitar..so solemn that I've been wishing to sing with the tune..When I got out of the room, i opened my computer and went online.. An admirer kept on pestering me..how I just wish that it was him who keeps on messaging me.. When that admirer called me "Ate" I couldn't help but cry..That is what he used to call before he admitted to me that he likes me..I just realized that Im missing him so much.. being a certified masochist, I read the archive of our messages..we were so happy back then until that day when I have to finally tell him the truth..I know I made the right decision in telling him those things..maybe he is not the right man for me (though I feel he is)..well..just a thought that crossed my mind..maybe..im just paying for the hurt that I caused to "other" people..maybe this is what they call "karma"..
Things were going fine..he is still texting me and he often tells me that he misses me..not only my voice but the whole me..I couldn't help but smile everytime I read his messages..
On the other side..I felt very angry with my friend..who would not be into that reaction.. when she kept me waiting for 5 hours.. by the time she came..I couldn't help but scream at her.. it seemed as though that the happiness that I felt when I was still texting the guy vanished and anger already consumed it..
When I got home, I started to text the guy again but I got no reply from him until finally I fell asleep..waiting..
It was already 8:00 am when I woke up..and as I looked on my cellphone I noticed that I received a message from him telling me not to call him anymore for his sister would be using the phone.. But I still took my chances and called him after 15 minutes. His cousin was the one who answered the phone and his kin told me that he has already left for Bulacan..Pain consumed me for I didn't had the chance to talk to him before he left..
By noon he started texting me and told me that he was already there.. again we exchaged messages that seemed to raise all my hopes again that someday he will learn to accept me..in his text message he told me "Sa ngayon hindi ko pa matanggap pero sana kapag dumating iyong time na kaya ko na..free ka pa..at ganun din ako.."
I know its wrong for me to rely on that promise..but I couldn't help but believe him and hope that someday..it would be a different story for us..
All I can hear inside my room is the alarm of my cellphone.. As I snoozed the alarm, I start scanning my messages..and to my dismay I did not received any messages from him..I started to count until finally I decided to give him a ring.. The moment I heard his voice.. I could not help but recall what happened last night.. After a few exchanges of ritual messages, a long pause entered the conversation..At last I decided to break the silence..with all the guts I can get, I asked him "so, paano na tayo ngayon?".. again a long silence fell between us.. I almost caught my breath when he finally said "Ok na..tanggap ko na.."A gush of relief fell on my shoulders..and just like before we started talking again about things that concern us..Until finally he had to go for he has to accompany his cousin to the mall.. I could not wait till night to come so that I could already talk to him.. The exchange of text messages is not enough to cover the anxiety that I'm feeling..i could sense the big change that happened to him.. When he got home..we went online for a while and then we decided to continue the conversation in the phone..things we're going the way they used to be...until finally I opened up to him that something is bothering me..and that concerns him..he reacted to that by saying that "Sa totoo lang hindi ko kasi matanggap..pinipilit kong tanggapin pero hindi ko talaga makaya.." I tried to get all the strength that I can manage..the truth really hurt me..and once again I was soaking myself in tears while he plays sentimental songs on the line..he kept on asking me "Umiiyak ka ba?" the answer was too obvious that I didn't bother to reply to him anymore..the next thing he said to me is "Okay lang yan..makakalimutan mo rin ako..tumahan ka na pwede" Those words seemed to contain a knife that cut all my hope..I tried to answer him back but i could not just find the right words to say..At the back of my mind I was telling him that it sound so easy on his part to tell me those things for he has already recovered..sad to say that I don't have the guts to tell him those thoughts.. I just continued crying and the more he said my name, the louder my cry got..until finally we have to end the conversation.. Once again as I lay down on my bed, I could not help but think of our happy times together..and silently I asked myself..would those memories happen again?..
The barking of my dog awaken me..And as I opened my eyes, I saw our clock and noticed that it was already an hour past 10:00 am..At this time, I should be done with my household chores, but unfortunately, I was not able to do it..as i sat on my bed, my hands lingered on my pillow and there I noticed those tear stains,.. and again tears suddenly fell from my eyes as I recalled what happened last night....
We were having fun last night..we exchanged stories as if there is no more tomorrow.. We tried opening up things that we thought could help us know each other more..but then it came to the point that we have to stop the conversation and sleep already.. as I put down the phone.. I started to think..would this be the right time for me to open up my secrets with him.. he has already gained my trust and I feel he has to know the truth for it would be unfair to him.. But fear began to consume me.. I know if I would tell this to him, I would eventually loose his trust and worst entirely lost him..While I'm still convincing myself whether I made the right decision or not, I started to dial his number..and as soon as I heard him said hello, tears began to cloud my eyes..I know it sound nonsense to him when i asked him some silly questions..I was really talking in riddles..until finally, he asked me a striking question..and that question broke my defense and the next thing I knew I was telling him everything..As soon as I'm done with my story, all I heard from him is "NILOKO MO AKO".. I could sense how hurt he is from the tone of his voice.. I could not help but blame myself for the pain he felt..I felt the urge to scream and cry out loud but all I did was to silently wept and wait for his decision as to what would happen to us..I was shaking inside and I tried to find comfort by thinking that everything would be alright between us..and then he finally said to me that he would be thinking it over the night..As soon as I heard him say that..I know..I lost him..And as I put down the phone once again..I couldn't help but earnestly pray to God to give him back to me..As I laid my back on my bed, I could not help the tears that keeps on falling from my eyes and the last thing I knew I was hugging my big teddy bear..imagining that this was the love that I lost..
The music from my radio brought me back to reality.. The sound was so sweet as it hum the song "When I see you smile"..how ironic the music could get.. I decided to lie down again and wait for his text message.. as the song ended..my eyes started to close and the last thing I knew, I was once again crying myself to sleep...
I should be enjoying my day..afterall I deserve a break right after my midterm exams.. The test was quite fine..I think it was easier than that of my quizzes..though it took me a long time to finish the test, I was still able to submit it on time.. the test made me feel the need to unwind.. i was supposed to do that but unfortunately things were not working the way they should be.. someone was still on work and my back pain made the situation worse.. i decided to call it a day and went home feeling very exhausted..im so tired..emotionally and physically..
As days passed, it seemed as though I don't know myself anymore.. many aspects of my life are constantly changing.. at times I feel the need to sit down for a while and give myself time to reflect on what's happening in my life..but unfortunately I don't have the luxury of time..I've been busy with my studies and with my friends as well.. and worst, things we're not happening the way they should be.. suddenly.. i've experienced metanoia.. hmmmm.. I don't know how and why did it happened.. I just felt that way.. it seemed as though this person made a great impact in my life..his/her concerns and opinions began to matter to me..aside from that i felt the need to bring the best in him/her.. I want everyone to see how wonderful this person is for most of the people around him/her thinks that he/she is such a blacksheep and a popular antagonist..but despite that..there really is something nice about this person.. that's why I accepted him/her despite the negative reactions of the people around me..I just hope this person would also be able to see and appreciate the real me.. =c
You thought at first that what you feel is just nothing..that you just like the personality of that person..but suddenly things changed when you heard him/her say your name..it felt as though your name sounds like a song in your ears and the way that he/she says your name makes you want to make him/her repeat it a hundred times.. and then you start to feel this certain attachment with that particular person.. you try to asks yourself how it started, but you know..it just happened..What hurts the most is that, that person cannot reciprocate whatever feelings you have for him or her.. at times you say to yourself, "ahh..he's/she's just a friend"..but deep inside you really want something more to happen between the two of you..you start to open up things that you never thought you could share with other people..and so is he/she to you..and then you'll later on find out that most of the things that he/she tells you are lies..now you start thinking..why can't he/she trust you the way you do to him/her..then you got yourself an answer that maybe its too early for him/her to open up to you..and now you're just left wondering as to when would be the right time..but haven't you realized to yourself.. that you we're not also honest with that girl/guy..why can't you tell him/her what you really feel..is it because you don't want to be rejected or you don't wan't to ruin the friendship which is the only reason why he/she spends time with you.. so now..where would you stand..would you take the risks..or would you just forget your feelings and let go..
Give me time to care, the moments here for us to share
Still my heart is not always there
What more can I say to you
Could I lie to you, I'm just too weak to face the truth
Now I know I should make a move
What more can I say
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons at all
When all faith is gone, I fight myself to carry on
Yet I know of the harm I do, what more can I say to you
Now I hold this line, I know the choice to leave is mine
I can't help what I feel inside
What more can I say
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons at all
I'll follow through, I'll see I do
When the time is more right for youI'll make that move, and when I do
Will I doubt again, the way I do
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons at all
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons
~ 99.9% deity and .1% human ~ 18 y/o ~ March 17 ~ DLSU-M ~ Management of Financial Institution major ~ former perpetualite ~ geek chic ~ cellphone addict ~ loves to surf the net ~ window shopper ~ bookworm ~ expeditious ~ S-I-M-E-C-O ~ silent water ~ obsessive compulsive ~ bratinella ~ has a bahala-na-si-batman attitude ~ movie addict ~ ceritified cute not just clever ~ dog lover ~ tactless ~ too assuming ~ hopeless romantic fool ~ bag collector ~ vain ~ childlike ~ frustrated dancer ~ feeling singer ~ has a face that would launch a thousand ships! ~ mcute_j17@yahoo.com
Friendster
DLSU
Tipid Pc
Yahoo!
Google
Photobucket
Cbox
My fAnS!
If you want to be added on the list, just leave a tag on my cbox.. :>
Comments here!
Tagboard
My morning didn't went right though we already made up.. I just had the worst attack of LBM..not now please!.. How am I supposed to concentrate if all I could think of at that moment was how am I going to control my stomach.. Good thing Yuchengco was a lot of help.. Thanks to its super private washrooms, I was able to deliver it successfully..hehe.. Moving on to the good news.... I passed my comprehensive examination! Im still a genius after all! That says it all!
I only had 3 hours of sleep..(too bad I would not be growing anymore).. And I'm not yet done with my lecture notes..Anyway.. it seems like an answered prayer when a certain "Cecil" called me up and informed me that our comprehensive exam would be move tomorrow.. At first I thought it was just one of my hs tropa who gave me a prank joke.. Her voice sounds like a 7 year old kid and I really can't believe that she's from the MFI Dept.. Anyway, I just believed her when she said some other imporatant details.. Moving on, my classmate in Accom2b texted me my grade..and to my dismay.I only got a 3.0! I have a feeling that big momma didn't adjust my grade..because if he did I should be getting a 3.5 considering the fact that I was one of the highest in our final exams..(ehem..hehe)..
I have the whole day to prepare for tomorrow but unfortunately.. Im still not in the mood.. well.. I guess I have to wish myself a lot of luck for tomorrow..
I really feel that the whole world is on my shoulders right now.. I couldn't stand the pain.. Someone just made my day and worst I will have my comprehensive exam tomorrow!.. How am I supposed to study if all I could think of right now are the memories that we've shared.. Just when I needed someone to inspire me.. He is such a great help!.. I tried to focus on my mind on what I am reading but I really can't.. It's really hard especially when all I hear on the radio are the songs that bound us together.. The sight of our telephone even made my depression worst.. Talking about timing.. Guess, I wouldn't get a good night sleep tonight.. I just hope we share the same sentiments.. (hehe)..
Today is the last day of our summer class, our final exam day to be exact. At last I would not be seeing my male professor who is 12 months pregnant (ehem).. He reminds me of Big Momma of Big momma's House the movie..and also of a big dark fat gay from our accounting batch who is the author of the word "basically" and who has a "glow in the dark" hair..(to those who know him..I'm sure we share the same sentiments..hehe..)back to "big momma" I don't have to laugh at his jokes that doesn't sound like a real joke..During our class we have to pretend that we are enjoying his comical acts or else he would not give us plus points..(what a nice motivation!) but at times it seems that I'm not in the mood to "act" that sometimes he make side comments that some in his class would not be getting additional points..(ouch!)..On the contrary, he really knows how to teach..so maybe he should teach Accom2b to pre-school pupils next term..(hehe)..Going back, our final exam seems to be a compilation of our quizzes..(way to go!) Almost all the questions were recycled..It seems that the department can no longer think of "challenging questions".. Good for us for we have already memorized the answers.. just like what my classmates said after the quiz, "no need for solutions!" ..so.."basically" I'm just waiting for my course card that is to be released this Wednesday..I hope "big momma" would be enlightened that as he writes my grade..he would just say.."ah my friend, melai..she deserves a 4.0".. sure thing..he has a lot of "friends" in the class..(ehem)..
I really had a hard time convinvcing myself to wake up for it was really cold and the rain is pouring too hard.. Anyway..I still have to go to school despite the "you-should-be-going-back-to-sleep" weather or else I would not have my allowance.. When I arrived in school I found out that someone would be having a demo teaching in our class..Does this "future" professor really know what he's getting at, nice choice of class huh!..Anyway when he arrived, I couldn't help but stare at him..The first thing that I noticed is his cute dimples..It looks like the dimples of Aga Muhlach..(the one on his butt) ..hehe.. By the way he has a nice name.. its Troy.. and he looks like a pre-historic version of Troy Montero..Anyway, when he started his demo teaching..all you can hear from him is "20 minutes lang kasi iyong ibinigay sa akin kaya hindi ko maeexplain ng mabuti"..in the back of mind I really want to tell him "di wag ka ng magturo..hindi ka papasa sa La Salle!" Aside from that he is too assuming that all in the class understood his language..not knowing that one of my classmates cannot understand Filipino..He also thinks that we all know the lessons that he is teaching.. Sure thing..we could all replace him in front.. I can't help but give him a just-sit-here-and-I'll-be-the-one-to-teach look..At last..his 20 minutes time limit was over..and for us..it sure was a relief.. For me..his just another "MC" in the making..(clue:a gay Encantadia and Jewel in the Palace fanatic who almost gave me a you-didn't-do-anything grade! Another clue..he has the same name with a former player of La Salle basketball team..)..Hopefully the department would not accept him or else..the future of the class that he would be handling would end here..(hehe..)
Why do I always end up saying the wrong words at the wrong time? I don't know what went into me that I asked him such a stupid question last night that ruin our supposed to be "romantic moment"...(way to go girl!).. I admit that was quite below the belt.. I was really affected with my tactlessness that I didn't get a good night sleep last night.. I tossed and turned in my bed every now and then thinking what should I do to make it up to him..until I had finally come up with a brilliant idea (or maybe not after all!)I was supposed to surprise him with a call this morning..and sing a song to him to appease his mood (talking about being romantic..ehemm..)..but it turned out that I was the one who was surprised.. I found out that he left his house quite early and without him informing me where he went..(nice one!)..until now he hasn't replied to any of my text messages and worst he is not answering my call!.. and due to my insomnia attack I got sick this morning..I was really hot when I woke up..(in other words 'lovenat')..I should be going home right now so that I could already rest but..I don't want to.. Im such a hard headed deity!(no violent reaction please!)
It's hard to let go of somebody that has made a drastic change in your life and most of all, if that person has been the center of your life for a long time already..but at times you have to make a decision..especially if its for your own good.. Though you lost this person..there might be someone better who would replaced him/her in your life..after all everything in life has a tradeoff..you lost something..you gain something in return..you just have to play your cards well..
Did I play my cards well this time around? Many said yes..but why is it that I still feel empty inside?.. Something's lacking..but I feel it would be coming.. soon...
Sleep..eat..then back to sleeping again and then eat..then go online..that's all I did this day..Though those were the only things I did I really felt tired..I felt weary with my life..All of a sudden I felt the urge to change a particular aspect of my life..I just want to bring myself back to its "normal" state again..With that thought in mind..I decided to send a message to somebody that caused this weariness and end something that should have already stopped ages ago..One thing that I realized during those dull times..I may be insane but definitely not stupid..
A smile was immediately plastered on my face upon reading his messages on my phone.. though they are just forwarded quotes..it brought me a very nice feeling knowing that he still remembers me..what a nice way to start my day..
As I arrived in school, I immediately got the result of my exam..I got a nice grade considering the fact that I didn't prepare for that exam and I was 30 minutes late during the test!..
By afternoon, the sun was shining with its "tremendous" heat that my nose bled..I don't know what came over me that I decided to text him and inform him about my "sickness". To my surprise he replied and asked me what happened..After telling him about it I didn't get any reply from him already..Well at least I still felt that he is still concerned with me..
Later on he texted me again and out of nowhere he asked something regarding my past.. I just answered him with all honesty..I got really depressed when he replied and accused me "two-timer ka pala".. I tried redeeming myself by giving him proofs that I am not like that but he won't listen to me..Knowing that this was already a hopeless case I decided to pour the angst that I was feeling over the food on our table.. No doubt..I am getting fat!
This night..I was informed of the "crime" that my best friend did..I am really affected with her situation and now I keep on asking myself whether "birds of the same feather really flock together" If that's the case..well he got himself a justification for his accusations..
It was such a tiring day..From the tests that I finished quite early to the endless thoughts that I have in mind before I go to sleep..I could not help but think what is going on in his life right now..Im wondering if he still thinks of me and the likes..I have not received any text message from him the entire day..that made me feel terrible..surely..I was missing him badly..My mind says I have to move on..but I can't make myself do it..I don't know when, where and how should I start.. Everytime I hear his favorite songs in the radio..I could not help but sing them..It seems like a torture to me..but I can't do and I don't wanna do anything about this pain that I'm feeling right now..
All my hope vanished when I received a quote from him this night that talks about how an angel and a demon could not fit into each other lives..It seemed as a hint for me.. I reacted to that by asking him whether he is avoiding me..for he had not texted me the whole day..when I received his text meassage, tears started to cloud my eyes..and there he told me that he has already came up with a decision..he wanted us to stop communicating.. he further explained that it would be beneficial for both of us since it would serve as a way for us not to hurt each other anymore.. he wanted me to stop hoping and to just have me belive that he doesn't love me anymore.. I tried explaining to him that it would just hurt me more..but he was already deaf with my reaction..he no longer wanted to hear me out.. I was so devastated that I locked up myself in the room and I refused to eat.. I couldn't find my apetite..all I know is that I'm gonna miss him..I was supposed to study for I have a test tomorrow but I keep hearing his voice inside my head,I could not concentrate with what I am doing..All I know is I'm hearing him say my name..the tone is so natural yet so appealing..I know no one could ever say my name the way that he does.. I could also hear him playing his guitar..so solemn that I've been wishing to sing with the tune..When I got out of the room, i opened my computer and went online.. An admirer kept on pestering me..how I just wish that it was him who keeps on messaging me.. When that admirer called me "Ate" I couldn't help but cry..That is what he used to call before he admitted to me that he likes me..I just realized that Im missing him so much.. being a certified masochist, I read the archive of our messages..we were so happy back then until that day when I have to finally tell him the truth..I know I made the right decision in telling him those things..maybe he is not the right man for me (though I feel he is)..well..just a thought that crossed my mind..maybe..im just paying for the hurt that I caused to "other" people..maybe this is what they call "karma"..
Things were going fine..he is still texting me and he often tells me that he misses me..not only my voice but the whole me..I couldn't help but smile everytime I read his messages..
On the other side..I felt very angry with my friend..who would not be into that reaction.. when she kept me waiting for 5 hours.. by the time she came..I couldn't help but scream at her.. it seemed as though that the happiness that I felt when I was still texting the guy vanished and anger already consumed it..
When I got home, I started to text the guy again but I got no reply from him until finally I fell asleep..waiting..
It was already 8:00 am when I woke up..and as I looked on my cellphone I noticed that I received a message from him telling me not to call him anymore for his sister would be using the phone.. But I still took my chances and called him after 15 minutes. His cousin was the one who answered the phone and his kin told me that he has already left for Bulacan..Pain consumed me for I didn't had the chance to talk to him before he left..
By noon he started texting me and told me that he was already there.. again we exchaged messages that seemed to raise all my hopes again that someday he will learn to accept me..in his text message he told me "Sa ngayon hindi ko pa matanggap pero sana kapag dumating iyong time na kaya ko na..free ka pa..at ganun din ako.."
I know its wrong for me to rely on that promise..but I couldn't help but believe him and hope that someday..it would be a different story for us..
All I can hear inside my room is the alarm of my cellphone.. As I snoozed the alarm, I start scanning my messages..and to my dismay I did not received any messages from him..I started to count until finally I decided to give him a ring.. The moment I heard his voice.. I could not help but recall what happened last night.. After a few exchanges of ritual messages, a long pause entered the conversation..At last I decided to break the silence..with all the guts I can get, I asked him "so, paano na tayo ngayon?".. again a long silence fell between us.. I almost caught my breath when he finally said "Ok na..tanggap ko na.."A gush of relief fell on my shoulders..and just like before we started talking again about things that concern us..Until finally he had to go for he has to accompany his cousin to the mall.. I could not wait till night to come so that I could already talk to him.. The exchange of text messages is not enough to cover the anxiety that I'm feeling..i could sense the big change that happened to him.. When he got home..we went online for a while and then we decided to continue the conversation in the phone..things we're going the way they used to be...until finally I opened up to him that something is bothering me..and that concerns him..he reacted to that by saying that "Sa totoo lang hindi ko kasi matanggap..pinipilit kong tanggapin pero hindi ko talaga makaya.." I tried to get all the strength that I can manage..the truth really hurt me..and once again I was soaking myself in tears while he plays sentimental songs on the line..he kept on asking me "Umiiyak ka ba?" the answer was too obvious that I didn't bother to reply to him anymore..the next thing he said to me is "Okay lang yan..makakalimutan mo rin ako..tumahan ka na pwede" Those words seemed to contain a knife that cut all my hope..I tried to answer him back but i could not just find the right words to say..At the back of my mind I was telling him that it sound so easy on his part to tell me those things for he has already recovered..sad to say that I don't have the guts to tell him those thoughts.. I just continued crying and the more he said my name, the louder my cry got..until finally we have to end the conversation.. Once again as I lay down on my bed, I could not help but think of our happy times together..and silently I asked myself..would those memories happen again?..
The barking of my dog awaken me..And as I opened my eyes, I saw our clock and noticed that it was already an hour past 10:00 am..At this time, I should be done with my household chores, but unfortunately, I was not able to do it..as i sat on my bed, my hands lingered on my pillow and there I noticed those tear stains,.. and again tears suddenly fell from my eyes as I recalled what happened last night....
We were having fun last night..we exchanged stories as if there is no more tomorrow.. We tried opening up things that we thought could help us know each other more..but then it came to the point that we have to stop the conversation and sleep already.. as I put down the phone.. I started to think..would this be the right time for me to open up my secrets with him.. he has already gained my trust and I feel he has to know the truth for it would be unfair to him.. But fear began to consume me.. I know if I would tell this to him, I would eventually loose his trust and worst entirely lost him..While I'm still convincing myself whether I made the right decision or not, I started to dial his number..and as soon as I heard him said hello, tears began to cloud my eyes..I know it sound nonsense to him when i asked him some silly questions..I was really talking in riddles..until finally, he asked me a striking question..and that question broke my defense and the next thing I knew I was telling him everything..As soon as I'm done with my story, all I heard from him is "NILOKO MO AKO".. I could sense how hurt he is from the tone of his voice.. I could not help but blame myself for the pain he felt..I felt the urge to scream and cry out loud but all I did was to silently wept and wait for his decision as to what would happen to us..I was shaking inside and I tried to find comfort by thinking that everything would be alright between us..and then he finally said to me that he would be thinking it over the night..As soon as I heard him say that..I know..I lost him..And as I put down the phone once again..I couldn't help but earnestly pray to God to give him back to me..As I laid my back on my bed, I could not help the tears that keeps on falling from my eyes and the last thing I knew I was hugging my big teddy bear..imagining that this was the love that I lost..
The music from my radio brought me back to reality.. The sound was so sweet as it hum the song "When I see you smile"..how ironic the music could get.. I decided to lie down again and wait for his text message.. as the song ended..my eyes started to close and the last thing I knew, I was once again crying myself to sleep...
I should be enjoying my day..afterall I deserve a break right after my midterm exams.. The test was quite fine..I think it was easier than that of my quizzes..though it took me a long time to finish the test, I was still able to submit it on time.. the test made me feel the need to unwind.. i was supposed to do that but unfortunately things were not working the way they should be.. someone was still on work and my back pain made the situation worse.. i decided to call it a day and went home feeling very exhausted..im so tired..emotionally and physically..
As days passed, it seemed as though I don't know myself anymore.. many aspects of my life are constantly changing.. at times I feel the need to sit down for a while and give myself time to reflect on what's happening in my life..but unfortunately I don't have the luxury of time..I've been busy with my studies and with my friends as well.. and worst, things we're not happening the way they should be.. suddenly.. i've experienced metanoia.. hmmmm.. I don't know how and why did it happened.. I just felt that way.. it seemed as though this person made a great impact in my life..his/her concerns and opinions began to matter to me..aside from that i felt the need to bring the best in him/her.. I want everyone to see how wonderful this person is for most of the people around him/her thinks that he/she is such a blacksheep and a popular antagonist..but despite that..there really is something nice about this person.. that's why I accepted him/her despite the negative reactions of the people around me..I just hope this person would also be able to see and appreciate the real me.. =c
You thought at first that what you feel is just nothing..that you just like the personality of that person..but suddenly things changed when you heard him/her say your name..it felt as though your name sounds like a song in your ears and the way that he/she says your name makes you want to make him/her repeat it a hundred times.. and then you start to feel this certain attachment with that particular person.. you try to asks yourself how it started, but you know..it just happened..What hurts the most is that, that person cannot reciprocate whatever feelings you have for him or her.. at times you say to yourself, "ahh..he's/she's just a friend"..but deep inside you really want something more to happen between the two of you..you start to open up things that you never thought you could share with other people..and so is he/she to you..and then you'll later on find out that most of the things that he/she tells you are lies..now you start thinking..why can't he/she trust you the way you do to him/her..then you got yourself an answer that maybe its too early for him/her to open up to you..and now you're just left wondering as to when would be the right time..but haven't you realized to yourself.. that you we're not also honest with that girl/guy..why can't you tell him/her what you really feel..is it because you don't want to be rejected or you don't wan't to ruin the friendship which is the only reason why he/she spends time with you.. so now..where would you stand..would you take the risks..or would you just forget your feelings and let go..
Give me time to care, the moments here for us to share
Still my heart is not always there
What more can I say to you
Could I lie to you, I'm just too weak to face the truth
Now I know I should make a move
What more can I say
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons at all
When all faith is gone, I fight myself to carry on
Yet I know of the harm I do, what more can I say to you
Now I hold this line, I know the choice to leave is mine
I can't help what I feel inside
What more can I say
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons at all
I'll follow through, I'll see I do
When the time is more right for youI'll make that move, and when I do
Will I doubt again, the way I do
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons at all
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons